An Untroubled Heart: Chapter 1

Chapter One When the Unthinkable Happens

What I Highlighted:

• I had to get as close to God as possible.
• When the funeral was over, and people were gone, I found myself alone...
• I felt deserted by my God,the God I had loved and served since I was a little girl. Why would He betray me?
• Grief-stricken, suicidal thoughts plagued my mind.
• WHY-why did You do this to me? You could have saved him! You're God!
• Oh, God I need to know why!
• God the Father ran to me, His child. I didn't see Him with my eyes or touch him with my hand, but I felt His presence consume me...
• Even in the pit of death, God had come to say," You are not alone. I am here."
• I had lived through my worst fear.
• Our present fears are fueled by our past experiences. Nevertheless,God doesn't want us to go through the rest of our lives justifying our fears. Nor does He want us to live behind some protective wall that shields us from what might happen. God wants to teach us that it's safe to trust Him. Even if we don't have all the answers, our past will never make sense until we invite God into our present. Then we will see He has been there all along.
• Looking back, I realize the strength I felt in the midst of my suffering was God's presence carrying me through the valley of death safely to the other side.
• Psalm 139

1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.

14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.

20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?

22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

My Thoughts:

God didn't take my dad from me. My dads death wasn't a personal attack or payment for some sin I had committed Nor had God left me to spin helplessly out of control. Even though I felt like I was losing the grip on my life. I was just starting to realize that God was with me and I wasn't alone when I found out my paternal grandmother was dying.I was devastated, I had been going to church regularly, tithing and giving offerings of my time and money, my gifts and talents... and yet there I was losing two people very dear to my heart within 57 days of each other. I was bitter and angry! I didn't understand. I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my body.. My pain didn't come in the form of tears, I couldn't release. I didn't have closure with my dad. This is so wrong. Why God why? Why did you take him before I could establish a relationship with him? Why had I waited over 20 years to have a dad and just when he was beginning to acknowledge me on the holidays at my Aunts house by speaking to me, He's gone? And now you've taken Grandma. I don't understand............ Then the kicker was that my 19 year old daughter was pregnant and I found out then day after my dads passing that my 18 year old daughter was pregnant. But, that was it!!! I was spiraling out of control. I left church, was acting like I was a teenager again and rebelling against everything I knew!! My family, my husband, my children.... nothing could console me. ( this went on for over a year)

These two deaths so close together, did something to me...... It made me try to run from God but the farther I thought I was from Him, the closer I actually was. I was running blindly, but God had turned me around at every corner and had me running close to him. I almost had a nervous breakdown, I'm not even sure what happened to fix me. Could I be fixed? How is it that my 14 year old son was keeping me together? How is it that when I was at the blackest and the deepest part of my life God used the one person that knows me better than anyone. My son, God used my son to get to me.... How could I turn away from my boy, God didn't turn away from Jesus and I started to see things in a different light. I slowly started to get better. I began to go to church again after several months, but I still didn't feel close to God the way I had in the past. and then one day it happened I just felt my Fathers presence and knew that he was in control and that it was all going to be ok if I trusted in him. I haven't really thought to much about all of that for the past 1 year, 10 months and 8 days. And then, my really close friend asked me to do this bible study with her. I was excited. Sure! I said, not knowing that I would have to face............... DEATH again..... but this time its a spiritual death.... a good death the death of all the crap that has haunted me for the past how many years and months since the first family death that I faced when I was 13 that rocked my world.... I can finally understand what John 3:16 means. I can feel it in my heart. That God loved even ME that he gave His Son for me,,, why has it taken me half my life to finally GET what I have known all along.

You see if you change the light bulb from a 40 watt to 100 watts you will see things you may never have seen before, but God knew when my eyes were ready to be opened to things, and now I can handle this I know this will be a difficult journey but I will Push thru I will Prevail and I will continue to have a Blessed walk, now I can finally share it with you.