1. Recall a time when you felt afraid and alone. When was it? I felt alone and afraid at the National Cemetery where my dad's plaque is placed in his honor.
2. Read Psalm 46:1. In times of trouble, what kind of help does God offer? Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. God offers a very present help during times of trouble.
3. How does knowing that God is your ever-present help comfort and calm your fears? ( or if it doesn't comfort you, talk about why.) God is never not by my side, He is always there. Being able to have him near me just give me that peace that surpasses all understanding. I don't have to wait for Him he is always standing there waiting on me.
   
4. Write James 1:2-4 here^{:  2}My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; ³Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
   ⁴But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
5. How do you view trials in your life? Are you fearful? Joyful? Angry?Do you see them as disastrous? Explain. As you have already read in my earlier post Yes! yes i am fearful, angry, and see things as disastrous but God is showing me how to be Joyful not just when things are good but when things are all wrong and seem hopeless. I can look back now and see that it really wasn't as bad as I sometimes allow myself to believe that it is. It is very difficult to be Joyful when your loved ones are dying, but I should have seen the positive things about it, instead of allowing Satan to bring me down.
6. a. According to James 1:3, what are our trial producing in our lives? Explain in your own words. ³Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. The definition of patience is : noun 1.the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. 2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
   3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
   By going through the trails in our life it helps us to become more even-tempered and diligent, we can handle more things without our boat getting rocked by small waves, because we know that God will steady us and calm every storm that comes our way, if we just remain steadfast in our faith in Him.
   b.Where do you see that process at work in your life, if at all? I am seeing that God is using my family to instill patience in me, every time I turn around it seems like someone is doing something just to irritate and upset me, but I keep reminding myself that God is in control and that it really isn't worth being upset over. ( I'm still learning this though, I haven't completely mastered this task! If someone has, please please contact me because I would like to discuss how you achieved this goal.)
7. List the things found in verse 4 that develop from endurance or perseverance. ⁴But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. Being content with everything is what verse 4 is having us strive for in my opinion.
8. What Christlike qualities are you gaining or have you gained through the losses in your life? There are 60 main qualities of Jesus that I  have studied on another blog. I gain a little of each one every time I go thru a new situation or circumstance. Here are three I would like to share with you now. Love~ I have learned to appreciate my brothers and sisters in the Lord and my family and those around me. I try to be like Christ by taking the initiative to build up and meet the needs of other without expecting anything in return. Suffering~ is not something I seek , but when it happens, it is allowing it to turn into a mold to allow me to be made for the better as “Christ hath suffered” makes us better. It is not a personal attack, rather it is a means to get my attention to make me better, more useful, stronger, and to understand what takes place in others. Teaching~ I am able to share my insights and what I have learned with others, to disciple them and help them get thru. The whole point of my blog!!
9. Write a prayer thanking God for the good work he is doing in you and for helping you to conquer your fears in the process. Thank Him for being an ever-present help. God, my Holy and precious Father, I come before you now in prayer and thanksgiving to let you know that I appreciate the good works you are doing in me. I don't let you know often enough how thankful I am for the things that you have done for me. I have never thanked you for bringing me through my dad and my grandma's deaths, But I know now thru this bible study that you had the number of their days counted from the very beginning. I was the one that turned and ran away. Thank you for bringing me closer to you through the losses that I have incurred. Thank you for comforting me when I couldn't be comforted and Thank you for giving me your mercy and grace that I truly don't deserve. I don't always go through things very well, most of the time I moan and grumble and scream and yell my way through things just for you to look at me and say," My child why are you throwing a temper tantrum over something so trivial, I got this you just don't worry!" Thank you for never leaving my side no matter what I said or did, I know that you could see my heart even when my mouth wasn't behaving. FATHER FORGIVE me for being stubborn and pig headed and for not understanding the lessons the first time around. Thank you for being patience and kind, because I know that sometimes I am a very slow learner. You are wonderful to me and I love you with all my heart. I will continue to lean on you and to grow. Thank you for filling all the voids in my life and for teaching me the things I need to know. I pray that I am able to be used to help someone get to the top of their mountain, so they can take in God's awesome view. Amen

Chapter One When the Unthinkable Happens

What I Highlighted:

• I had to get as close to God as possible.
• When the funeral was over, and people were gone, I found myself alone...
• I felt deserted by my God,the God I had loved and served since I was a little girl. Why would He betray me?
• Grief-stricken, suicidal thoughts plagued my mind.
• WHY-why did You do this to me? You could have saved him! You're God!
• Oh, God I need to know why!
• God the Father ran to me, His child. I didn't see Him with my eyes or touch him with my hand, but I felt His presence consume me...
• Even in the pit of death, God had come to say," You are not alone. I am here."
• I had lived through my worst fear.
• Our present fears are fueled by our past experiences. Nevertheless,God doesn't want us to go through the rest of our lives justifying our fears. Nor does He want us to live behind some protective wall that shields us from what might happen. God wants to teach us that it's safe to trust Him. Even if we don't have all the answers, our past will never make sense until we invite God into our present. Then we will see He has been there all along.
• Looking back, I realize the strength I felt in the midst of my suffering was God's presence carrying me through the valley of death safely to the other side.
• Psalm 139

1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.

14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.

20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?

22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

My Thoughts:

God didn't take my dad from me. My dads death wasn't a personal attack or payment for some sin I had committed Nor had God left me to spin helplessly out of control. Even though I felt like I was losing the grip on my life. I was just starting to realize that God was with me and I wasn't alone when I found out my paternal grandmother was dying.I was devastated, I had been going to church regularly, tithing and giving offerings of my time and money, my gifts and talents... and yet there I was losing two people very dear to my heart within 57 days of each other. I was bitter and angry! I didn't understand. I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my body.. My pain didn't come in the form of tears, I couldn't release. I didn't have closure with my dad. This is so wrong. Why God why? Why did you take him before I could establish a relationship with him? Why had I waited over 20 years to have a dad and just when he was beginning to acknowledge me on the holidays at my Aunts house by speaking to me, He's gone? And now you've taken Grandma. I don't understand............ Then the kicker was that my 19 year old daughter was pregnant and I found out then day after my dads passing that my 18 year old daughter was pregnant. But, that was it!!! I was spiraling out of control. I left church, was acting like I was a teenager again and rebelling against everything I knew!! My family, my husband, my children.... nothing could console me. ( this went on for over a year)

These two deaths so close together, did something to me...... It made me try to run from God but the farther I thought I was from Him, the closer I actually was. I was running blindly, but God had turned me around at every corner and had me running close to him. I almost had a nervous breakdown, I'm not even sure what happened to fix me. Could I be fixed? How is it that my 14 year old son was keeping me together? How is it that when I was at the blackest and the deepest part of my life God used the one person that knows me better than anyone. My son, God used my son to get to me.... How could I turn away from my boy, God didn't turn away from Jesus and I started to see things in a different light. I slowly started to get better. I began to go to church again after several months, but I still didn't feel close to God the way I had in the past. and then one day it happened I just felt my Fathers presence and knew that he was in control and that it was all going to be ok if I trusted in him. I haven't really thought to much about all of that for the past 1 year, 10 months and 8 days. And then, my really close friend asked me to do this bible study with her. I was excited. Sure! I said, not knowing that I would have to face............... DEATH again..... but this time its a spiritual death.... a good death the death of all the crap that has haunted me for the past how many years and months since the first family death that I faced when I was 13 that rocked my world.... I can finally understand what John 3:16 means. I can feel it in my heart. That God loved even ME that he gave His Son for me,,, why has it taken me half my life to finally GET what I have known all along.

You see if you change the light bulb from a 40 watt to 100 watts you will see things you may never have seen before, but God knew when my eyes were ready to be opened to things, and now I can handle this I know this will be a difficult journey but I will Push thru I will Prevail and I will continue to have a Blessed walk, now I can finally share it with you.

What I Highlighted:

• Thousands of people live with fear and anxiety everyday. Fear is a very real,personal,and powerful emotion.
• We're not really in control of anything. Control is only an illusion.
• Jesus has promised to never leave us or forsake us.
• God has broken the spirit of fear and given us the assurance that nothing can snatch us from His hand.