The following was found on another blog called Seek This Jesus which I do not want to forget!

• Love will enable us to appreciate our brothers and sisters in the Lord, and, of course, our family, and others around us. Love is taking the initiative to build up and meet the needs of others without expecting anything in return. (John 13:1; John 15:13; 1 Corinthians 13:3)

• Joy will allow us to enjoy His creation, others, and our circumstances with an expression of delight and real, authentic happiness from and with harmony with God and others. (Proverbs 15:13; John 15:11; John 17:13)

• Peace is surrendering and yielding to the Lord’s control, for He is our ultimate peace! It is allowing tranquility to be our tone and to control our equanimity. This will be fueled by our harmonious relationship with God so we can hand over control of our heart, will, and mind to Him. Once we make real peace with God, we will be able to make and maintain peace with others. (Matthew 5:9; Colossians 3:15; Philippians 4:7)

• Patience is showing tolerance and fortitude to others, and even accepting difficult situations from them and God without making demands and conditions. (Matthew 27:14; Romans 12:12; James 1:3,12)

• Kindness is practicing benevolence and a loving attitude towards others. (Ephesians 4:32)

• Goodness displays integrity, honesty, and compassion to others, and allows us to do the right thing. (Matthew 19:16)

• Faithfulness is the “gluing” fruit that will preserve our faith and the other characters of the Spirit as well as identify God’s Will so we can be dependable and trusting to God and others. (Matthew 17:19; Matthew 25:21; 1 Cor. 12:9; Hebrews 11:1; 1 Thes 5:24)

• Gentleness is the character that will show calmness, personal care, and tenderness in meeting the needs of others. (Isa. 40:11; Philippians 4:5; 2 Timothy 2:24; 1 Thes 2:7)

• Self-Control will allow us to have discipline, and restraint with obedience to God and others. (1 Thes 5: 22)

• Forgiving is the realization of how much we have been forgiven by Christ. This enables us to forgive the insignificant things that are done to us. It involves not being resentful to others, and ignoring the wrongs that we have received so we can heal relationships by expressing Christ’s love. (Luke 23:34; Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:13)

• Humility minimizes arrogance and removes pride. It is understanding our fallen nature and tendency to think we are better than we are, and our striving to lift up ourselves above others and God. It is admitting that others, and more importantly God is responsible for our achievements. Humbleness will enable us to be a teachable person who is willing to have the attitude of submission and servant-hood, one who confesses sin and remembers how Christ served us! (Luke 22:27; Philippians 2:8; 1 Peter 5:3–5)

• Fairness sees a situation from the viewpoint of each person involved and not just ours. It seeks the best, just, equable solution, even if it hurts us. (Matthew 7:12)

• Courage realizes that God has given us the strength to face any situation, trial, or peril. It is the ability to react, knowing that God is in control, that He who is in me is greater than he who is against me. (Deuteronomy 31:6; 1 John 4:4)

• Friendship is the companionship and closeness we are to have with one another. It is the commitment to help form the character in others. This is not to be feared but embraced, even when it hurts! (Proverbs 27:17)

• Honesty & Truthfulness mean being straight and honest with others and doing what is right. This trait will allow us to earn trust by being accurate with facts and situations. (2 Cor. 8:21; Ephesians 4:25)

• Dependable is being constantly reliable and trustworthy. It will allow us to continue in our commitments even if it means personal sacrifice. (1 Corinthians 4:2; Colossians 1:10)

• Gratitude is an attitude of being thankful, even when we do not see what we have. This is an aspect of worship, expressing to God and others how they have benefited our lives by showing their support and benevolence. (1 Corinthians 4:7; 1 Thes. 5: 18)

• Responsibility is to know and do what God and others expect. (Romans 14:12)

• Contentment is the attitude of accepting whatever God provides for us, and being happy with it. It does not seek what we do not need for gratification, and does not find happiness in the shallow things of life. (Rom. 9:19–21; Philippians 4:10–13; 1 Tim. 6:6–9)

• Generosity allows us to give to others because God has given abundantly to us. It is the wise use of stewardship and the attitude that all I have belongs to God and knowing we are the caretakers for His purpose. (Deut. 16:17; Matthew 10:8)

• Purity & Holiness is being set apart for God’s use, which is holiness in action. It does not allow us to be contaminated nor interfere with others in our growth and relationship in Christ. (Matt. 5:8; Philippians 4:8; 1 Tim. 1:5; 1 Tim. 5:22; James 4:8)

• Confidence helps us rely on the Lord for all things in our life. It will enable us to push forward in the direction that we are called because He is governing. It makes us realize we are not responsible for the results–only the obedience. (Philippians 4:13)

• Encouragement will lift, support, and help others up through difficult circumstances, all from God’s perspective. (Psalm 119:28; Psalm 143:3; Matt. 3:17; John 14:1; 1 Thes. 5:11–14)

• Availability is being willing to adjust our own schedule, agenda, and plans to fit the right desires of God and others. It makes personal priorities secondary to the needs of God and others. It is to reflect God’s priorities so we are always available to Him and others when we are serving. (Mark 1:17–18; Acts 16:10)

• Attentiveness will recognize the value of other people by giving them listening ears, respect, courtesy, and total concentration. This means paying attention to others, not just listening to our own needs and desires, and also giving genuine contemplation to God’s Word. (Hebrews 2:1)

• Wisdom truly desires the knowledge of God’s Word and the proper application to our life. This will enable us to make good judgments and decisions. (1 Kings 3:9; Psalm 119:97–98)

• Compassion will feel the pain and plight of others. It will enable us to convey a deep feeling of love and concern that moves us to meet their distresses, struggles, and needs. (Job 29:13; Isa. 40:11; Mark 1:41; Luke 19:4; 1 Peter 3:8)

• Enthusiasm will enable us to overcome disappointments and setbacks, so we can be positive, optimistic, and keep up our interest, attitude, and zeal, even when things are harsh. (Matt. 5:16; Rom. 12:11; Gal. 6:9; Col. 3:23)

• Initiative will take the front position to recognize and do what needs to be done before being asked to do it. (Prov. 22:29; Philippians 3:14; Philippians 4:13–15)

• Diligence allows us to operate with our best for His highest with excitement and passion in order to complete our work and call from the Lord. (Prov. 10:4; Rom. 12:11; Colossians 3:23)

• Thoughtfulness considers and gives attention and care to others and their feelings first. (Philippians 2:4)

• Efficient is being well organized, competent, and resourceful so we can make the most of every situation, doing our best and seeking better ways. (Psalm 90:12; Ephesians 4:23; Ephesians 5:15– 16; 1 Pet. 4:10)

• Discretion keeps our minds and focus on sound judgment, giving serious attention and thought to what is going on. It will carefully choose our words, attitudes, and actions to be right for any given situation, thus avoiding words and actions that could result in adverse consequences. (Psalm 112:5; Proverbs 22:3; Rom. 12:2, Rom. 9; Rom. 14:19, Rom. 22)

• Optimism will think the best of and be positive with people and all situations, even if later proven wrong. (Luke 21:18; John 16:33; Romans 8:25; Romans 28)

• Obedience is submitting to do what God requires of us. It is also recognizing the authority and direction from others, such as the pastor and church, so we can create winning situations. (Deut. 13:4 ; Prov. 19:16; John 14:14; John 15:14; 2 Corinthians 10:5)

• Reverence is recognizing and respecting people, not just because of their position and authority, but as brothers and sisters in the Lord, regardless of their personality, knowing He loves them too! (1 Peter 2:13–14)

• Agreeable finds Biblical solutions and support for others, without compromising truth. (Amos 3:3)

• Appreciation gives God our heartfelt thanks as a lifestyle of worship and adoration. This allows us to give to, and value others with respect. (Romans 12:10)

• Avoiding anger is the knowing of its destructive force and striving to maintain “cool” and serenity. (James 1:19)

• Being a Good Example is not allowing your relationship with Christ to become hypocritical, since people see your example as to what a Christian is! (1 Pet 2:21,22; 1 Pet 2:12,15,17)

• Childlike Faith is the wonder and awe of what Christ did for us. It is something that we should never lose. Let us maintain our enthusiasm and not become just a subculture or routine! (Matt. 18:2–4,34)

• Commitment is being dedicated and pushing ahead as well as being satisfied with what you have. It is vowing to honor and be the best with what God has given of spiritual and material things. (1 Timothy 6:20)

• Communicating is being willing to convey thoughts, attitudes, feelings, and actions to others in a kind and listening manner that reflects Christ. (1 Timothy 4:12)

• Conviction is devotion to and following of the precepts of Scripture with zeal, whatever the cost. (Daniel 1:8)

• Cooperativeness is the support and willingness to work together in peace, unity, and harmony. (Eph. 4:3)

• Creative is being resourceful and imaginative in using the best of the goods and talents we have been given to serve the Lord. (1 Timothy 4:14)

• Diligence is the loving of our call and the pursuing of our work, doing our best for His glory. (Colossians 3:23)

• Dependable is always being reliable and trustworthy. (Colossians 1:10)

• Determination is the ability to make difficult decisions and accomplish God’s goals based on the truths of God’s Word, regardless of the opposition. (Psalms 119:30; 2 Timothy 4:7,8)

• Deference is being willing to bend personal freedom for the respect and esteem of others. (Romans 14:21)

• Devotion is aligning personal desires, plans, worship, and hope with God. (Colossians 3:2)

• Discernment is the ability to see people and situations the way they really are with of neutrality and justice, while also being cautious with right timing and actions. (1 Samuel 16:7; Proverbs 19:2)

• Discreet is the ability to not bully people with our personality or actions, or even with sound and right opinions. It is giving serious respect, attention, and thought to what we say and do. (Psalm 112:5)

• Discipline is upholding and continuing a consistent and well-ordered life through godly obedience, regardless of how we feel. (1 Timothy 4:7)

• Decisive is sticking to right and just decisions based on God’s perfect will. (Romans 12:2)

• Not to swear or slander is refusing to verbally hurt others! (James 1:26)

• Endurance is the inner strength to remain in Him with staying power in order to accomplish God’s will. (Galatians 6:9)

• Fearless is facing down peril without being stupid. Sound mind is being bold since God gives us strength. (2 Timothy 1:7)

• Flexibility is being open to others plans and ideas and willing to be instructed and challenged to change for the better. (Colossians 3:2)

• Godly Priorities is choosing to follow Scriptural precepts as the primary important schedule and value for life. (Matthew 6:33)

• Godliness is being pious, which is rearranging our priorities to line up with God’s character. (3 John 11)

• Grace is elegant simplicity and calm that minimizes crudeness. (Psalm 94:11; James 4:6)

• Guidance is a willingness to help others to apply the precepts of Scripture in everyday and difficult situations. (Proverbs 27:9)

• Harmless is not willing or deliberately hurting anyone or anything. (Heb 7:26)

• Honest is being truthful and doing what is sincere and right before God and others. (Heb 7:26)

• Hospitality is a willingness to share, with discernment, what God has given us, including our family, home, finances, and food. (Romans 12:13)

• Integrity is the obedience to a moral code of values that have honor, truth, and reliability. It will allow one to keep his word and do his best even when no one else is looking. (Psalm 78:72)

• Just is doing what is fair, moral, impartial, and right, according to God’s will. (Genesis 6:9)

• Loyalty is remaining committed to those whom God has brought into our lives and has called us to serve, even in times of difficulty. (Proverbs 17:17)

• Meekness is not about being weak! It is strength under control, which yields personal rights and expectations to God. (Psalms 62:5)

• Merciful is demonstrating more forgiving and gracious kindness than the world requires. (Luke 6:36)

• Patience is the fortitude to accept from others difficult situations that we do not like. With God, it is trust of His timing, and not giving Him a deadline. (Romans 12:12)

• Perseverance is not being faint with our call, but being able to persist and continue to deal with stress so we can accomplish what God calls us to. (Galatians 6:9)

• Persuasiveness advocates God’s Word to others so they can be changed in their thinking and can conform to His will. (2 Timothy 2:25)

• Prompt is not holding others back with our inadequacies; it is respecting the time of others and being able to act quickly when God and others call on us. (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

• Prudence is not being a prude, but implementing and applying good, logical, and just judgment to situations that will help in avoiding error and problems. (Proverbs 13:6; Proverbs 22:3)

• Purpose is in knowing who we are in Christ and acting it out with our call. That is, devoting our life, Spiritual gifts, abilities, and call so it can bring out the best in people and situations. Our meaning of life will have eternal treasure and results. (John 15)

• Respectful is being polite and courteous to the people, and the civil authorities God has placed in our life. (1 Thes. 5:13–14)

• Security is trust and reliance upon God for our daily needs. This is not laziness, but working with God’s values, and organizing our life around God’s Will with an eternal outlook in mind for a secure feeling. We are safe because of God’s protection. (Proverbs 29:25; John 6:27)

• Submissive is, with awe and reverence, surrendering and yielding our will and plans over to God’s guidance. (Ephesians 5:21)

• Self-Acceptance is realizing we are deeply loved and accepted by Christ, thus, we can accept us. To love others we have to love ourselves as Christ implies for us to. Self-hatred is not Biblical! Self-Acceptance will allow us to accept unchangeable physical features and situations that God has made, to allow us to focus on the more important things in life such as character. (2 Corinthians 12:9–10)

• Selflessness is the altruistic giving of ourselves to others, as Christ gave Himself to us. (Titus 2:14)

• Sensitivity is exercising kindness and compassion so we can go beyond just reason and logic to perceive and respond to others. (Romans 12:15)

• Servant Leadership is exercising real godly leadership as Christ did, by His taking a towel, influencing, equipping, and empowering people to accomplish God’s purpose and plan. (Luke 22:26)

• Sincerity is earnest honesty that is readily doing what is right, with pure and loving intention. (Joshua 24:14; 1 Peter 1:22)

• Success is not what the world says is achievement; it is to know and faithfully follow God’s Will and His Word. It is our obedience, not our numbers or measurements! (Matthew 25:21)

• Suffering is not sought, but when it happens, it is d allowing it to turn into a mold to allow us to be made for the better as “Christ hath suffered” makes us better. It is not a personal attack, rather it is a means to get our attention to make us better, more useful, stronger, and to understand what takes place in others. (1 Peter 4:1–19)

• Supportive is to come along side others, sharing our strength and courage in their afflictions and troubles. (Galatians 6:2)

• Tactful is being considerate, delicate, and diplomatic with other’s feelings and ideas, doing, and saying the right thing. (Colossians 4:6)

• Teach is to share our insights and what we have learned with others, to disciple them. (Matt. 7:28; Matt. 28:19–20; John 7:16; Mark 4:2; 2 John 1:9)

• Temperate is to have self-control so we do not lose control and give in to lust and extremes of society’s ills. (Titus 2:12)

• Tolerant is being forbearing and patient with others, even when they are different or weaker. (1 Thes. 5:14)

• Thoroughness is careful diligence that carries out our call with our very best for God’s approval. (Ecclesiastes 9:10; Colossians 3:23)

• Time is the moments in which we either burn or live for His glory. It is the opportunities we have to live, serve, learn, and grow. In so doing, if we invest wisely, we will produce eternal treasures. If not, it will go to waste. (Psalm 90:12)

• Understanding is the ability to reason and comprehend situations. (Psalms 119:34)

• Virtue is holding onto the principles of moral excellence that calls us to a higher level where few people desire to go, but as a Christian, we must go! (Col. 3:12–17)

• Zealous is maintaining our enthusiasm for our faith and call, not allowing our church or us to fall into a rut of meaningless rhetoric. (Luke 2:49; John 2:17; John 8:29)

I am so tired of being overweight. I really am not happy that I let myself get 100 pounds heavier than I should be. I really excited because today my Biggest Loser Book and Cookbook came in the mail. I am going to change my eating habits if it kills me. I don't think that will happen but this is not going to be an easy challenge. I really want a nice Easter dress next year, I don't want to have to shop in the plus section. So, I am resolving to change, I know I will try to fight myself most of the way but I have too. I just have to force myself to do this. Today I have rinsed out a 2 liter bottle and filled it with 4, 10 ounce glasses of water and added a quarter of a lemon slice to it. I will drink it before I go to bed. I did not eat breakfast, and I am very please with myself as I have steered clear of the Easter candy that is calling, no screaming, my name every time I walk past it. I had a small piece of kielbasi and 2 tablespoons of sauerkraut for lunch. I am going to eat a small salad and a piece of Chicken from the kernels chicken store for dinner. And a cup of grapes for a snack before 9pm. I didn't get to exercise today as my 15 year old came home from school ill at like 9:30 this morning. ( I'm not comfortable doing my exercise video in front of anyone yet.) Until tomorrow...........

1. Recall a time when you felt afraid and alone. When was it? I felt alone and afraid at the National Cemetery where my dad's plaque is placed in his honor.
2. Read Psalm 46:1. In times of trouble, what kind of help does God offer? Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. God offers a very present help during times of trouble.
3. How does knowing that God is your ever-present help comfort and calm your fears? ( or if it doesn't comfort you, talk about why.) God is never not by my side, He is always there. Being able to have him near me just give me that peace that surpasses all understanding. I don't have to wait for Him he is always standing there waiting on me.
   
4. Write James 1:2-4 here^{:  2}My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; ³Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
   ⁴But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.
5. How do you view trials in your life? Are you fearful? Joyful? Angry?Do you see them as disastrous? Explain. As you have already read in my earlier post Yes! yes i am fearful, angry, and see things as disastrous but God is showing me how to be Joyful not just when things are good but when things are all wrong and seem hopeless. I can look back now and see that it really wasn't as bad as I sometimes allow myself to believe that it is. It is very difficult to be Joyful when your loved ones are dying, but I should have seen the positive things about it, instead of allowing Satan to bring me down.
6. a. According to James 1:3, what are our trial producing in our lives? Explain in your own words. ³Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. The definition of patience is : noun 1.the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like. 2. an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
   3. quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence: to work with patience.
   By going through the trails in our life it helps us to become more even-tempered and diligent, we can handle more things without our boat getting rocked by small waves, because we know that God will steady us and calm every storm that comes our way, if we just remain steadfast in our faith in Him.
   b.Where do you see that process at work in your life, if at all? I am seeing that God is using my family to instill patience in me, every time I turn around it seems like someone is doing something just to irritate and upset me, but I keep reminding myself that God is in control and that it really isn't worth being upset over. ( I'm still learning this though, I haven't completely mastered this task! If someone has, please please contact me because I would like to discuss how you achieved this goal.)
7. List the things found in verse 4 that develop from endurance or perseverance. ⁴But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. Being content with everything is what verse 4 is having us strive for in my opinion.
8. What Christlike qualities are you gaining or have you gained through the losses in your life? There are 60 main qualities of Jesus that I  have studied on another blog. I gain a little of each one every time I go thru a new situation or circumstance. Here are three I would like to share with you now. Love~ I have learned to appreciate my brothers and sisters in the Lord and my family and those around me. I try to be like Christ by taking the initiative to build up and meet the needs of other without expecting anything in return. Suffering~ is not something I seek , but when it happens, it is allowing it to turn into a mold to allow me to be made for the better as “Christ hath suffered” makes us better. It is not a personal attack, rather it is a means to get my attention to make me better, more useful, stronger, and to understand what takes place in others. Teaching~ I am able to share my insights and what I have learned with others, to disciple them and help them get thru. The whole point of my blog!!
9. Write a prayer thanking God for the good work he is doing in you and for helping you to conquer your fears in the process. Thank Him for being an ever-present help. God, my Holy and precious Father, I come before you now in prayer and thanksgiving to let you know that I appreciate the good works you are doing in me. I don't let you know often enough how thankful I am for the things that you have done for me. I have never thanked you for bringing me through my dad and my grandma's deaths, But I know now thru this bible study that you had the number of their days counted from the very beginning. I was the one that turned and ran away. Thank you for bringing me closer to you through the losses that I have incurred. Thank you for comforting me when I couldn't be comforted and Thank you for giving me your mercy and grace that I truly don't deserve. I don't always go through things very well, most of the time I moan and grumble and scream and yell my way through things just for you to look at me and say," My child why are you throwing a temper tantrum over something so trivial, I got this you just don't worry!" Thank you for never leaving my side no matter what I said or did, I know that you could see my heart even when my mouth wasn't behaving. FATHER FORGIVE me for being stubborn and pig headed and for not understanding the lessons the first time around. Thank you for being patience and kind, because I know that sometimes I am a very slow learner. You are wonderful to me and I love you with all my heart. I will continue to lean on you and to grow. Thank you for filling all the voids in my life and for teaching me the things I need to know. I pray that I am able to be used to help someone get to the top of their mountain, so they can take in God's awesome view. Amen

Chapter One When the Unthinkable Happens

What I Highlighted:

• I had to get as close to God as possible.
• When the funeral was over, and people were gone, I found myself alone...
• I felt deserted by my God,the God I had loved and served since I was a little girl. Why would He betray me?
• Grief-stricken, suicidal thoughts plagued my mind.
• WHY-why did You do this to me? You could have saved him! You're God!
• Oh, God I need to know why!
• God the Father ran to me, His child. I didn't see Him with my eyes or touch him with my hand, but I felt His presence consume me...
• Even in the pit of death, God had come to say," You are not alone. I am here."
• I had lived through my worst fear.
• Our present fears are fueled by our past experiences. Nevertheless,God doesn't want us to go through the rest of our lives justifying our fears. Nor does He want us to live behind some protective wall that shields us from what might happen. God wants to teach us that it's safe to trust Him. Even if we don't have all the answers, our past will never make sense until we invite God into our present. Then we will see He has been there all along.
• Looking back, I realize the strength I felt in the midst of my suffering was God's presence carrying me through the valley of death safely to the other side.
• Psalm 139

1O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.

2Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.

3Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.

4For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.

5Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.

6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.

7Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?

8If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.

9If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;

10Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.

11If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.

12Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

13For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.

14I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

15My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

17How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

18If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee.

19Surely thou wilt slay the wicked, O God: depart from me therefore, ye bloody men.

20For they speak against thee wickedly, and thine enemies take thy name in vain.

21Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?

22I hate them with perfect hatred: I count them mine enemies.

23Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:

24And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

My Thoughts:

God didn't take my dad from me. My dads death wasn't a personal attack or payment for some sin I had committed Nor had God left me to spin helplessly out of control. Even though I felt like I was losing the grip on my life. I was just starting to realize that God was with me and I wasn't alone when I found out my paternal grandmother was dying.I was devastated, I had been going to church regularly, tithing and giving offerings of my time and money, my gifts and talents... and yet there I was losing two people very dear to my heart within 57 days of each other. I was bitter and angry! I didn't understand. I felt as though my heart had been ripped from my body.. My pain didn't come in the form of tears, I couldn't release. I didn't have closure with my dad. This is so wrong. Why God why? Why did you take him before I could establish a relationship with him? Why had I waited over 20 years to have a dad and just when he was beginning to acknowledge me on the holidays at my Aunts house by speaking to me, He's gone? And now you've taken Grandma. I don't understand............ Then the kicker was that my 19 year old daughter was pregnant and I found out then day after my dads passing that my 18 year old daughter was pregnant. But, that was it!!! I was spiraling out of control. I left church, was acting like I was a teenager again and rebelling against everything I knew!! My family, my husband, my children.... nothing could console me. ( this went on for over a year)

These two deaths so close together, did something to me...... It made me try to run from God but the farther I thought I was from Him, the closer I actually was. I was running blindly, but God had turned me around at every corner and had me running close to him. I almost had a nervous breakdown, I'm not even sure what happened to fix me. Could I be fixed? How is it that my 14 year old son was keeping me together? How is it that when I was at the blackest and the deepest part of my life God used the one person that knows me better than anyone. My son, God used my son to get to me.... How could I turn away from my boy, God didn't turn away from Jesus and I started to see things in a different light. I slowly started to get better. I began to go to church again after several months, but I still didn't feel close to God the way I had in the past. and then one day it happened I just felt my Fathers presence and knew that he was in control and that it was all going to be ok if I trusted in him. I haven't really thought to much about all of that for the past 1 year, 10 months and 8 days. And then, my really close friend asked me to do this bible study with her. I was excited. Sure! I said, not knowing that I would have to face............... DEATH again..... but this time its a spiritual death.... a good death the death of all the crap that has haunted me for the past how many years and months since the first family death that I faced when I was 13 that rocked my world.... I can finally understand what John 3:16 means. I can feel it in my heart. That God loved even ME that he gave His Son for me,,, why has it taken me half my life to finally GET what I have known all along.

You see if you change the light bulb from a 40 watt to 100 watts you will see things you may never have seen before, but God knew when my eyes were ready to be opened to things, and now I can handle this I know this will be a difficult journey but I will Push thru I will Prevail and I will continue to have a Blessed walk, now I can finally share it with you.

What I Highlighted:

• Thousands of people live with fear and anxiety everyday. Fear is a very real,personal,and powerful emotion.
• We're not really in control of anything. Control is only an illusion.
• Jesus has promised to never leave us or forsake us.
• God has broken the spirit of fear and given us the assurance that nothing can snatch us from His hand.

I would like to tell you that I am the perfect Christian that never swears, drinks, or flies off the handle, but that is not the case. I am an ordinary person just like you, that struggles with circumstances sometimes. I don't get drunk, I don't do drugs and I don't smoke (anymore). God has delivered me from those things. But, I do have trouble figuring out sometimes where I am and what is going on.

There was a point in my life when I had no idea what was going on. Just like The Israelite's who wandered in the wilderness for 40 years. God was with me and yet I chose to fuss and complain everyday. Just like the Israelite's, I too even worshiped pagan idols at one time. I thank God that is not the case now. God is using me. I can say it hasn't been an easy journey but it has been a Blessed Walk, now that I can look back. I will share with you through this blog the trials and tribulations that I have faced, the ones I'm facing now and what I feel that God has for me in the future.

I hope that this blog touches your heart. I know that God is helping me and when you read how hopeless my life has been at times you will see that by God's grace, we all can and have been Blessed.

In His Loving Service,
Faith